Hitting the Heart of a Moving Target
Julianne Heldt, MA, LPC is a licensed counselor with Arlington ISD, who works as one of their Student Outreach Facilitators. She received her masters degree in counseling from Dallas Theological Seminary and has been enthusiastically working within the community for over a decade. She has impacted the lives of countless children and their families through her tireless efforts. Julianne’s expertise includes trauma counseling, and she is passionate about the heart of each individual she encounters. In this interview Julianne shares with us ways to bridge into deep conversation when time is short.
Question: What kinds of questions lead to deeper conversation?
JULIANNE: “When you are interacting with someone for the first time, ask them a little about themselves. Get to know this person in front of you. As you ask them about themselves, be self-aware of your experience with the person and reflect back to them what you are getting back, and what they are experiencing.” This means you want to try to be their verbal mirror. Mirrors don’t visually project anything other than what is standing in front of their surface. For example, you might say, “It sounds like you are frustrated because you feel like you’re not being communicated to” or “ I’m noticing you seem to be very stressed; It sounds like you are stressed because you don’t understand what is happening.”
“Reflecting can be a scary thing to do. You might be afraid of perceiving and reflecting the wrong emotion. Don’t be afraid to get your ‘reflecting’ wrong. If you get it wrong, they will likely correct you, which still gives you an opportunity to have conversation with them. The skill of reflecting to your patients is a crucial one to develop because it is different from what friends and family do. Friends and families tend to make assumptions about who they think this person should be. By reflecting the person rather than responding based on assumptions, we have an opportunity to be life-giving in ways those closest to them are unable to.”
The reason why reflecting is an important skill is because “a reflection communicates ‘I see you, I hear you, I know you.’ This is Biblical (we see God do this many times throughout the Bible- i.e. Hagar, Tamar, Sarah, David, Hannah, etc.) and there is hope in that communication. By communicating ‘I see you, I hear you, I know you,’ we imitate God in our treatment of others. This is one way we can be the hands and feet of Jesus.”
Question: If you only had 20 minutes with a new client, how would you go about building trust quickly?
JULIANNE: “When you converse with your patient, keep in mind your perceptions. If you don’t value that person as an image bearer (someone who bears the image of God and is therefore valuable because of the value God himself has placed on them), people will know it and will respond in kind. My question for you is, are you truly seeing THEM or your agenda for them? They will be able to read your own perceptions of them and agenda for them. To earn their trust, don’t have a goal or an agenda, but be curious about who they are. Ask them about themselves and then go beyond that. Reflect on their emotions/feelings in a validating way, which can open dialogue.” This seems impossible for the healthcare worker who certainly does have an agenda. For healthcare workers, perhaps it’s not so much that we don’t have an agenda for the patient, but rather that we don’t lead with our agenda. Genuinely concern yourself with them first, then move on to the task at hand.
Question: How does stress play a role in conversation?
JULIANNE: “Chronic stress and trauma play a HUGE role in conversation and receptivity. Sometimes, when you begin conversation and ask questions, you encounter two very different and equally difficult responses. The first is when you ask one, seemingly benign, question and they tell you their life’s story and you even learn their grandmother’s pet turtle’s name. Then there are those on the opposite end of the spectrum. These are the people that you ask them a probing question and you only get curt, one syllable answers. Both responses should be making the alarm bells go off in your mind. Those who have verbal diarrhea and those who have verbal constipation are both exhibiting signs of chronic stress/ trauma.”
“Recognizing chronic stress or trauma is important because stressed brains can’t learn. When someone is stressed, their prefrontal cortex is not working at full capacity due to their stress levels inducing a ‘fight or flight’ response. The prefrontal cortex is our center for learning. So, this means that when in this ‘fight or flight’ mode, people can’t think clearly or hear accurately. They literally can’t learn”
“The goal is to reduce their stress so their bodies can turn off the ‘fight or flight’ mechanism and re-engage their prefrontal cortex. In the stressful healthcare environment, what calms people down is the validation, ‘I see you, I hear you, I value you.’ However, if the verbal diarrhea or constipation continues, this is an indicator that you have not won their trust and you have not yet scratched that itch they are trying, or not trying to tell you about.”
“Keep in mind that a barrier to minimizing stress might include: When the provider is stressed while trying to engage the stressed patient/family. This would mean that both parties are in this ‘fight or flight’ state; the patient because they are in crisis, the healthcare provider because they are stressed/frustrated. This is crucial to be able to recognize! In order to move forward, the provider must first calm down their own fight/flight response before they can effectively engage the patient.”
(One way to disengage your own “fight or Flight” response is to pray for the Holy Spirit to calm your body and mind. Also consider practicing calming exercises, when you find yourself in this situation.)
Takeaways:
Now that we have better tools in our tool belt, our goal is not to stop at merely good conversations, but to make a lasting Kingdom impact on our patients. Here are some practical ways that might help you to bridge from deep conversation to Christ:
When the patient is calm and in a place to be able to engage in conversation, reflect their emotion and then offer scripture as a hopeful response to their emotion.
Reflect their situation and respond by sharing about Jesus’ character as reflected in the gospel accounts.
Offer to pray over their life and the issues that are causing them stress. Share the gospel in your prayer.
Print out some scripture cards and give it to them. Explain why you have personally found this particular verse comforting and how the good news of Jesus solidifies your hope and comfort. Free Printable
Keep in mind that our goal is to bring hope and healing to the body, mind and soul. Our aim is not to shove Jesus down people’s throats. Be respectful as you present the gospel. Ask them if they would like prayer, a printable, etc. Remember what we have already learned. Yes, our goal is to share the gospel, but not for our glory or tally, but for God’s glory. Our priority should be them, not our agenda for them. Care for them. Love them. And share the best you have with them- Jesus.