Interview on Suffering: What Happens When There is No Cure?
Our position in healthcare places us in the path of suffering. We are invited into people’s worst moments and in return we pour out ourselves to help alleviate that pain. Yet, even though we encounter suffering every day, there has been very little guidance for the Christian healthcare professional to guide people through suffering in a life-giving and Gospel-centered manner. This month I asked Amber Rodriguez to share her experience with seemingly hopeless suffering. My hope is that, as healthcare professionals, we would:
1. Experience suffering from the other side (a personal side)
2. Identify helpful, encouraging and life-giving ways to support someone in the midst of a season of suffering
3. Conversely, identify ways we have been unhelpful or even hurtful to others in seasons of suffering
4. Equip you with tools that will enable us to better help others navigate through suffering.
AMBER RODRIGUEZ
When asked about her experience with suffering, Amber Rodriguez reflected on two major areas of suffering in her life. Her first personal, experience involved her own health issues. Amber suffers from AVM- Arteriovenous Malformation; specifically in her legs. This means that she has multiple tumors in her legs and constantly lives in pain. Though diagnosed as a child, she lived a very active life until her mid 20’s, when her health took a turn for the worse. Then, after a major surgery, she was told she would never be able to exercise again. She had to give up her love of dancing and plans for her future. She told me that at the time she felt “bamboozled by God.” She knew that life wasn’t easy and that God never promised it would be so, but she believed something different. In her heart, she really did believe that life would be good if she followed God. Going through this difficult health process revealed her incorrect beliefs she had about God.
The second painful, and more recent, hardship in her life occurred while she acted as her brother’s caregiver at the end of his battle with cancer. Amber’s brother was diagnosed with an aggressive and degenerative form of brain cancer. He lived for several years after his diagnosis, slowly loosing function of one body part after another. As she reflected on those years, she voiced that the memories are bittersweet. She verbalized that the memories were hard, even painful at times to recollect, but also precious. Amber mused, “perhaps this is how many caregivers feel as they reflect on their loved ones- difficult and sweet moments swirled together.” According to Amber, an integral piece of this story is that her brother was not a Christian and he died an unbeliever of Jesus Christ. To her, this made his passing all the more painful, because she “knew that she would never again, not even in eternity, see [her] brother again.”
This reality forced her to face and wrestle with the question of whether God is good. And she did wrestle with this question for a long time. However, in the end, she says has personally come to know, through God’s word and the comfort she felt in the Lord, that He is indeed good. “God is Good, even when our loved ones are lost forever.”
In your season of suffering, what things have been told to you that were meant to be encouraging or helpful that were not, or possibly even hurtful?
AMBER: “I think it’s more of a culture problem than a wording problem. We need to be willing to ask questions, rather than offer advice. When I’m emotional or sad and you say something like: ‘I know that’s really hard, but God loves you.’ This is true, but it communicates to me that the reason why I am sad is because God doesn’t love me enough, or conversely, that God won’t love me if I’m sad. The truth is that God mourns with those who mourn and comforts them as well.
It can also be discouraging when people respond to sadness by saying, ‘God is for you’. You’re right God is for you, but grief and sadness are not indicators of faith. Implying such can create spaces of anxiety for the person who is suffering. And, when you say, ‘God’s going to use this [circumstance],’ though it might be true, is very hurtful and or hard to hear in the midst of suffering.
Also, ‘suffering well’ language (when people say things like, ‘I want to learn how to suffer well’) communicates that there is value in being unaffected. In other words, if you’re expressing sadness or grief, you must not be ‘suffering well.’ This is a lie. The only way you can ‘suffer well’ is to dwell with Jesus.
And finally, presence and knowing someone (relationally) is KEY. Try to see them as a whole human, not just their circumstance.”
During these times of hardship, what was said to you that was encouraging or what would you recommend to be encouraging?
AMBER: “Keep asking them how they are doing. Then give them space to talk about it. Some days they will want to talk about it, others they will not. Ask for permission to check in on them consistently then actually do it. They need to be able to process and know that someone cares. Also, keep in mind that there is nothing linear about grief, suffering or loss. Know and recognize that it is unpredictable. Know also that there is joy to be found for everyone when ushering in the Gospel into suffering.”
What last advice or encouragement would you give someone who works in healthcare?
AMBER: “You are the picture of Christ entering into a broken world. Suffering wants to strip the individual of dignity, but there is dignity in humanity and in suffering. You have the unique opportunity to restore dignity.”