Interview on Suffering: The Ongoing Battle with Infertility
Our position in healthcare places us in the path of suffering. We are invited into people’s worst moments and in return we pour out ourselves to help alleviate that pain. Yet, even though we encounter suffering every day, there has been very little guidance for the Christian healthcare professional on how to guide people through suffering in a life-giving and Gospel-centered manner. This month I asked John and Elizabeth Smith to share with us their long and difficult story. My hope is that, as healthcare professionals, we would:
1. Experience suffering from the other side (a personal side)
2. Identify helpful, encouraging and life-giving ways to support someone in the midst of a season of suffering
3. Conversely, identify ways we have been unhelpful or even hurtful to others in seasons of suffering
4. Equip you with tools that will enable us to better help others navigate through suffering.
JOHN AND ELIZABETH SMITH
John’s side of the story begins before he knew Christ, before he was married to Elizabeth. During a previous marriage, John discovered that he and his previous wife were unable to conceive, which eventually led to the demise of their marriage. After his divorce, John became a Christian and sometime later met Elizabeth. He was upfront with her about his fertility issues when they were dating and soon, he and Elizabeth were married. When they decided to start trying for a family, they met with a fertility specialist and discovered more about John’s infertility issues: John was born without a vas deferens. Though this anatomical abnormality is commonly linked to Cystic Fibrosis, that was not John’s case. He falls into a very minute percentage of the population that, for unknown reasons, does just not have a vas deferens. The next step in the process was to learn if his body was able to produce sperm, or if he was completely sterile. Thankfully, sperm production was not a problem and thus began the long road of harvesting eggs and sperm, then making and freezing embryos. In the end they had 5 embryos. After two failed attempts, the third embryo implanted! Little did they know how difficult a journey lay ahead.
Though Elizabeth had endured the emotional roller coaster of John’s health issues, her own physical suffering was about to come into play. The hormones for IVF were brutal, and even worse, pregnancy had become dangerous. High blood pressure battled for control of Elizabeth’s body, and then the battle for the baby’s life ramped up with an unexpected, premature delivery. This early delivery lead to a long NICU stay, during which they almost lost their precious baby. However, Elizabeth recalled that after a particularly awful night, “the Lord, in his kindness,” saved their babe and they began to see improvement. Soon, they were finally able to bring home their healthy, long-awaited baby. Life was good for a time, until delayed postpartum depression set in. Elizabeth recalled feelings of isolation, a common issue for many people who struggle with depression. To her, “it was a deep, dark pit.” Though she found peace and comfort in the Lord and help in medications, it was not until early 2019 that the fog began to lift.
During the fall of 2019, the Smiths decided it was time to try to conceive again. They only had two embryos left and they felt hopeful that they would soon be with child. In November of 2019 they lost the last baby embryos. They are still in the midst of their story. However, both John and Elizabeth maintain that God is good, He is sovereign and they trust His plan for their lives.
What things have been told to you that were meant to be encouraging or helpful that were not, or possibly even hurtful?
JOHN: “Suffering can be very isolating. One way this happens is by making someone’s season of suffering the perpetual elephant in the room. Instead, allow them to live life, joke, laugh, and hang out without having to talk about or think about their hardship.”
ELIZABETH: “Also be conscientious of everyone involved in that season of hardship and don’t look past people. It’s easy to forget the spouse or caregiver of the one who is suffering, but it is likely they are suffering as well and probably feel lonely and unseen.”
JOHN: “Also, please don’t speak to fill the space. Your words are not as important as you think. Actions are far weightier. Its ok to let the silence hang and to just be. Even in the silence.”
What was said to you that was encouraging or what would you recommend to be encouraging?
ELIZABETH: “Its ok to communicate and remind the individual that we aren’t in control of everything, but there is a God who is.”
JOHN: “Man to man? Its ok to talk about things that effect your ‘manhood.’ Speak and respond in a way that will affirm their manhood. Male presence is just as important, or even more important to men than words.”
Elizabeth: “People who are suffering need others to be praying impossible prayers for them. They need brothers and sisters who will stand in the gap for them.”
What last advice or encouragement would you give someone who works in healthcare?
JOHN: “Psalm 131, which reminds the reader to remember who you are. You are not the messiah. Keep your eyes where they need to be. Don’t forget you are human and those who interact with you are also human.”